Friends-S01-E04
Oh. That’s good.
Okay. All right, Phoebe?
Okay. Okay.
If I were a omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain forest. And bigger boobs.
Well, see, you took mine, so …
Chandler, what about you?
If I were a omnipotent for a day, I’d make myself omnipotent forever.
Heh. See, there’s always one guy. “If I had a wish, I’d wish three more wishes.”
Hey Joey.
Hey, buddy.
Hi Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Probably kill myself.
Excuse me?
Hey, if Little Joey’s dead, then I got no reason to live, you know?
Joey, um, omnipotent.
You are?
Ross, I’m …
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How does she do that?
I can not sleep in a public place.
Would you look at her? She’s so peaceful.
Yeah.
What? What? Hi.
It’s okay, you know. You just nodded off again.
Oh.
What’s going on with you?
I got no sleep last night.
Why?
My grandmother has this new boyfriend, they’re both kind of insecure in bed, so – And deaf. So they’re constantly having to reassure each other that they’re having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are.
If you want you can stay with Rachel and me tonight.
Thanks.
Ninety-five, 96, 97. See, I told you, less than 100 steps from our place to here.
You got way too much free time, man.
Hey, there’s the birthday boy. Ross, check it out. Hockey tickets. Rangers-Penguins tonight at the Garden. We’re taking you.
(New York Rangers and Pittsburgh Penguins are two hockey teams)
Happy birthday, pal.
We love you, man.
It’s funny. My birthday was seven months ago.
So?
So I’m guessing you had an extra ticket and could’t decide which one of you got to bring a date? Huh?
Well, aren’t we Mr. The-Glass-Is-Half-Empty?
Oh, my God. Oh. Is today 20th? October 20th?
I was hoping you wouldn’t remember.
Oh.
What’s wrong with the 20th?
Eleven days before Halloween? All the good costumes are gone?
Today’s the day Carol and I first consummated our physical relationship. We had sex. You know what? I better pass on the game. I think I’m just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
The hell with hockey. Let’s all do that.
Come on, Ross. You, me, Joey, ice? Guy’s night out? Come on, what do you say, big guy? Huh? Huh?
What are you doing?
I have no idea.
Come on , Ross. All right. All right. Maybe it will take my mind off it. You promise to buy me a big foam finger?
You got it.
All right.
Look, look, look. My first paycheck.
Look at the window, there’s my name. Hi me.
I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
Wow, you worked in a mine?
No, I worked at a Dairy Queen. Why?
God, isn’t this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it. I steamed milk for it. And it was totally … not worth it. Who’s FICA? Why’s he getting all my money? I mean, what? Chandler, look at that.
Oh, this is not that bad.
Oh, you’re fine, yeah, for a first job.
You can totally, totally live on this.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Hey, by the way, great service today.
Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
Terrific.
It was excellent.
Unbelievable. And all that milk and stuff? Greate.
Hockey. Hockey.
Rachel?
Oh my God.
I swear I’ve seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom.
What are you guys doing here?
Well, we were in the city shopping and your mom said you work here, and it’s true.
Yeah.
Look at you in the apron. You look like you’re in a play.
God, look at you. You’re so big. I can’t believe it.
I know, I know. I’m a duplex.
So, what’s going on with you?
Well, gussing who my dad’s making partner in his firm.
And while we’re on the subject of news …
Look, look, I have elbows.
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Cross the blue line. Passes it up to Leetch.
Leetch spots Messier in the crease. Here’s the pass.
We’ll take a brief time-out while Messier stops to look at some women’s shoes.
Carol was wearing shoes just like those the night that we first … you know. In fact, she uh, she never took them off. Ha ha, it’s because we – Sorry. Sorry.
I can’t believe.
What?
Peach pit.
Yes, bunny?
Peach pit.
That night, we uh, had –
Peaches?
Actually, nectarines, but basically.
Could’ve been a peach.
Then we, uh, then we got dressed, then I walked her to the bus stop. I’m fine.
Hey. That woman’s got an ass like Carol’s.
What? I thought we were trying to find suff.
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Oh, come on, you guys. Tell me all the dirt.
Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar.
All right. Let’s talk reality for a second.
Okay.
When are you coming home?
What? Guys, I’m not.
Heh, come on, this is us.
I’m not. This is what I’m doing now. I’ve got this job.
Waitressing?
Heh, I’m not just waitressing. I mean, I’m … I um… I write specials on the specials board. And I take the dead flowers out of the vase. Um, oh, and sometimes Arturo lets me to put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.
Well, your mom didn’t tell up about the blobbies.
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Hey, Rachel. How was it with your friends?
Okay, how would you like a TiKi Death Punch?
What’s that?
Well, it’s rum and –
Okay.
We thought since Phoebe’s staying over we’d have kind of like a slumber party. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister.
Oh, oh. And I bought Operation. But I lost the tweezers, so we can’t operate. But we can prep the guy.
Rachel, it’s the Visa-card people.
Oh God. Ask them what they want.
Could you please tell me what this is in reference to ?
Yes, hold on.
Um, they say there’s been unusual activity on your account.
But I haven’t used my card for weeks.
That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you are okay.
They wanna know if I’m okay? Okay, they wanna know if I’m okay. Okay, let’s see. Well, let’s see. The FICA guys took all my money. Everyone I know is either getting married or getting pregnant or getting promoted and I’m getting coffee. And it’s not even for me. So if that’s sounds like I’m okay, okay, then you can tell them I’m okay. Okay?
Uh, Rachel has left the building. Can you call back?
Al right. Come on. Let’s play Twister.
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Sorry.
Uh-oh.
What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? For thousand of angry Pittsburgh fans?
No, actually I was just saying it looks like we’re not sitting together. But now that you mention it, there was ice there that night . It was the first frost.
We were…
Just sit down. Sit.
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You shuold feel great about youself. You’re doing this amazing, independent thing.
Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up like everything. And for what?
You are just like Jack.
Jack from downstairs.
No, Jack and Beanstalk.
Ah, the other Jack.
Yeah, right. See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff. And he live in a village, and you live in the Village.
Okay. But Phoebes, Phoebes. Jack gave up a cow. I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I know I didn’t love him, but –
Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.
But see, it was a plan, you know? It was clear. Everything was figured out, and now everything’s just kind of like …
Flupie?
Yeah.
Well, you’re not the only one. I mean half the time we don’t know where we are going. I mean, you just gotta figure , at some point, it’s all gonna come together, and it’s just gonna be “unflupie.”
Yeah, like that’s a word.
Okay, but, Monica, what if it doesn’t come together?
Pheebs?
Well, because you just – I don’t like this question.
Okay, see? See you guys? What if we don’t get magic beans? I mean, what if all we’ve got are beans?
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Get him! Get him! Get- Yes! You are not laughing now, are you, pal?
That’s all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.
Pass it! Pass it.
He’s open! He’s open! shoot it, shoot it, shoot it!
Oh.
Whoa.
Hey, look, we’re on that TV thing.
Ooh.
I got it.
Hey, hey, we got it.
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Excuse me.
It says to call this number if you’re not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I’m not completely satisfied.
Listen, it’s kind of an emergency. I guess you’d know that, or we’d be in the predicament room.
Hold on. Fill these out. Sit over there.
Look, I don’t wanna make any trouble, Okay? But I’m in a lot of pain here, all right? My face is dented.
Well, you have to wait to your turn.
Well, how long do you think it’ll be?
Any minute now.
Hey, listen –
Ooh.
I wake up and I started to cry. Ain't no hope in .
Oh, I’m so sorry, you guys. I didn’t mean to bring you down.
No, you were right. I don’t have a plan.
Knock knock. Pizza guy.
Oh, Thank God.
Food.
Phoebe?
What?
Do you have a plan?
I don’t even have a “pla”.
Hi. One mushroom, green pepper and onion?
No, no. That’s not what we ordered. We ordered a fat-free crust and extra cheese.
Wait, you’re not G.Stephanopoulos?
No.
Oh man. My dad’s gonna kill me.
Wait. Did you say G.Stephanopoulos?
Yeah, this one goes accross the street. I must gave him yours. Oh bonehead, bonehead.
Wait, was this a small Mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?
Yeah, that’s sound about right.
Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?
And a power tie?
No, pretty much just a towel.
Oh, God.
Oh. My God.
So you guys want me to take this back?
What? Are you nuts? We’ve got Gorge Stephanopoulos’ pizza.
Here.
Um, Pheebs?
Yeah.
Who’s Gorge Stephanopoulos ?
That’s Big Bird’s friend.
I see pizza.
Oh I wanna see. Let me see. Let me see.
Hello? Who are we spying on?
You know the White House adviser? Clinton’s campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?
Oh him. The little guy. I love him.
Ooh, wait, wait. I see a women.
Tell me it’s his mother.
Definitely not his mother.
Oh, no.
Oh, wait. She’s walking across the floor. She’s walking. She’s walking. She’s going to the pizza. Hey, that’s not for you, bitch!
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Dr.Max to Center 456.
Excuse me. Look, we’ve been here for over an hour, and people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean that guy with toe thing? Who’s he sleeping with? Oh come on. Dora, Don’t be mad. I know we both said some things, we didn’t mean , but that doesn’t means we still don’t love each other.
You know, I feel like I’ve lost her.
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Lights still out?
Yeah.
Maybe they’re napping.
Oh, please. They’re having sex.
Shut up.
So, what do you Gorge is like ?
I think he’s shy.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I think you have to draw him out. And when you do, he’s a preppy animal.
Come on.
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I remember the moonlight coming in through the open window, and her face had the most incredible glow.
Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling. You did this part. Could I get some painkillers over here, please?
He’s right. enough already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that.
Look, it’s just a little more complicated than that.
What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another women that likes women?
A little louder, okay, I think there’s a man on the 12th floor in a coma who didn’t quite hear you.
Then what?
My first time with Carol was… was my …
What?
It was my first time.
With Carol?
Oh.
So in your whole life, you’ve only been with one … Oh.
Oh boy. Hockey was a big mistake. There’s a whole bunch of stuff we could’ve done tonight .
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Okay, okay, I got one. Do you remmeber the vegetarian pate that I made for you that you love so much?
Uh-huh.
Well, unless goose is a vegetable.
Oh! Oh!
Okay. Fine, fine. Now I don’t feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.
What? You slept with Jason?
You had already broken up.
How long?
Just a couple hours.
Oh, that’s nice.
Okay okay okay. I got one. Anyway. The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.
Excuse me?
Oh. Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one. She was a big girl.
Well, at least big girls don’t pee in their pants in seventh grade.
I’m laughing, you made me laugh.
Oh, my God. There he is. There he is.
Where?
Right where we’ve been looking all night.
Oh, he’s so cute.
Oh, Gorge baby, drop the towel.
Come on, drop the towel. Drop the towel.
Plase drop the towel. Drop it.
Wow.
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Man, can you believe he’s only had sex with one women?
I think it’s great. You know, it’s sweet. It’s romantic.
Really?
No, are you kidding? The guy’s freak, I judge him.
Hey man.
Hey buddy.
Ah? Ah?
Oh. That’s attractive.
Oh, I thought you were great in Silence Of The Lamps.
Oh, come on. admit it, all things considered, you had fun tonight.
Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where’s my puck?
Oh, the kid has it.
The kid?
Ah, excuse me, uh, that’s my puck.
I found it. Finders keepers, loosers weepers.
You gotta do it, man.
Oh yeah? I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you – I can’t do it.
Listen ah, give me back my puck.
NO.
Yes, how about…
No.
No, come here. Just give me my puck.
No, no, no.
Hey, no roughhousing in my ER.
Give me my puck! Uh!
Now, that was fun.
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Okay, Monica. Right foot, red.
Could’ve played Monopoly, but no.
Thanks.
Okay, Pheebs. Right hand, blue.
Good.
Hmm.
Hello?
Oh, Rachel, it’s the visa card people.
Oh, okay, will you take my place?
All right. Yes, this is Rachel.
No.
Oh.
Hello? Oh yeah. No, I know. I haven’t been using it much. Oh, well. Thanks, but I’m okay. Really.
To the green. To the green.
Oh, no.
I’ve got magic beans. No, no, never mind.
To the left. To the left.
I’m fine.
Q.E.D.