Friends-S01-E05

Would you let it go? It’s not that a big deal.

Not that a big deal? It’s amazing. Okay, you just reached in, and there’s one little maneuver, and bam! A bra. Right out the sleeve. As far as I’m concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Right?

Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

We can? Okay, I’m tring that.

All right. You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down, and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.

Okay, you know what I don’t get is the way you guys can do so many mean things and then not even care.

Multiple orgasms.

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So, Saturday night. The big night. Date night. Saturday night. Saturday night!

No plans, huh?

Not a one.

Not even, say, breaking with Janice?

Oh, right, right, shut up.

Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gonna do it.

I know. But it’s just so hard. You know? I mean, you’re sitting with her, and her has no idea what’s happending. You finally get up the courage to do it. There’s that awkward moment when you’ve handed her the note.

Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling.

If you want, I’ll do it with you.

Oh, Thanks. But I think she’d feel like we were ganging up on her.

No. I mean you break up with Janice, I’ll break up with Tonny.

Tony?

Oh, you’re breaking with Tony?

Yeah. I know he’s sweet. But is just not fun anymore. You know, I don’t know is me or his hunger strike. I don’t know.

Does anybody want anything else?

Oh yeah. Last week you had a wonderful nutty, chaocolate-y, kind of cake-y pie thing that – Nothing, just … I’m fine.

What’s the matter? Why so scrunchy?

Oh, it’s my father. He wants to give me a Mecedes convertible.

That guy. He burns me up.

Yeah, well. It’s a Mercedes if I move back home. It was horrible, he called me “young lady.”

Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.

Did he give you that whole “you’re not up to this” thing again?

Oh yeah, yeah. Actually I got the extended disco versions with three choruses of: “You’ll never make it on your own.”

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Hi Joey.

Oh my God. Angela.

Wow. Being dumped by you obviously agrees with her.

Are you gonna go over there?

No.

Yeah. No.

Okay, but not yet. I don’t wanna seem to eager.

One Mississipi, two Mississipi, three Mississipi . That seems pretty cool.

Hey Angela.

Joey.

You look good.

That’s because I’m wearing a dress that accents my boobs.

You don’t say.

So Rachel, what are you doing tonight?

Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Launderama.

Oh. You wanna hear a freakish coincidence? Guess who’s doing laundry there to?

Who?

Me. Was that not clear?

Hey, why don’t – Why don’t I just join you both there.

Don’t you have a laundry room in your building?

Yes. I do have a laundry room in my building. Um – but there is a rat problem. Apparently, they’re attracted to the dryer sheets. And you know, they’re going in fine, but they’re coming out all fluffy.

Anyway, say 7-ish?

Sure.

Forget it Joey. I’m with Bob now.

Bob? Who the hell is Bob?

Bob is great. He’s smart, he’s sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call youself an actor, but Bob –

Come on. We were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.

Yeah. Well, sorry, Joey. You said: “Let’s just be friends.” So guess what?

What?

We’re just friends.

Fine. Fine. So why don’t the four of us go out and having dinner tonight? You know, as friends.

What “four of us?”

Oh you know. You and Bob, me and my girlfriend, um… Monica.

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Monica, I’m telling you, this guy is perfect for you.

Forget it. Not after your cousin who could be belch the alphabet.

Come on. This guy is great. His name is Bob. He’s Angela’s … um, brother. He’s smart, he’s sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is –

Oh, God, help us.

What?

Ugly Naked Guy is laying kitchen tile.

Ew.

Um oh. Look, I’m asking a favor here. You know, I’m thinking if I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will comes back to me.

What’s going on here? You go out with tons of girls.

I know, but… Look, I made a huge mistake. I never should’ve broke up with her. Will you help me? Please?

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Okay. Bye.

Well, Monica’s not coming. It’s just gonna be me, and Rachel.

Wow, hold on there, camper. You sure you’ve thought this through?

It’s laundry. The thinking through is pretty minimal.

See, it’s just you and Rachel? just the two of you?

Yeah.

This is a date. You’re goging on a date.

Nuh-uh.

Yeah-uh.

So what are you saying here? I should shave again? Pick up some wine? What?

Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear.

What? This is basically the first time she’ll see your underwear. You want it to be dirty?

No.

Oh, and, the fabric softener?

Okay, okay. Now what’s wrong with my Snuggles? What? It says I’m a sensitive, warm kind of guy. You know, like the little fuzzy bear. All right, I can pick up something else up on the way.

There you go.

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Thank you.

So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tal? Or short?

Yep.

Which?

Which what?

You’ve never met Bob, have you?

No, but –

Oh my God. Joey. For all we know, this guy could be horribly –

Hey, Joey.

Horribly attractive. I’ll be shutting up now.

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This is nice. We never do anything, just two of us.

That’s great. Maybe tommorow we can rent a car, and run over some puppies.

Ew. I don’t wanna do that.

Here we go.

Okay, have a good break up.

Hey Janice.

Oh, my God. I’m so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day.

Hey, that’s not good. Can I get a espresso and a latte over here, please?

We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the afternoon, I went shopping. And I got you… I’m looking, I’m looking. I got you –

What?

What?

What did you get me there?

I got you… these.

Bullwinkle socks. That’s so sweet.

I knew you had the Rockys. So I figure you could wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle or you could wear Rocky and Rocky or you can mix and match. Moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.

Well, I’m gonna get another espresso. More latte?

No. No, I’m still working on mine.

That’s it?

Yeah, it was really hard.

Yeah, the hug looks pretty brutal.

Okay, you weren’t there.

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Coming through. Move. Move.

Oh. Excuse me, I was kind of using that machine.

Yeah, well. Now you’re kind of not.

But I saved it. I put my basket on top.

Oh, I’m sorry. Is that your basket?

Yes.

It’s really pretty. Unfortunately, I don’t see suds.

What?

No suds, no save. Okay?

What’s going on?

Hi.

Nothing. This horrible women just took my machine.

Was your basket on top?

Yeah. But there were not suds.

So?

You know, no suds, no save.

No suds, no – Excuse me. Hold on a second. This is my friend’s machine.

Hey hey hey, her stuff wasn’t in it.

Hey hey hey! That’s not the rule, and you know it.

All right. Show’s over. Nothing to see here. Okay, let’s do laundry.

That was amazing. I can’t even send back soup.

Well, that’s because you’re such a sweet, gentle …

Um, do you uh… Oh, hey. You must need detergent.

What’s that?

Uberwesis. It’s new, it’s German. It’s extra tough.

Rach, do you… Are you gonna separate those?

Oh God. Ugh. Am I being like a total laundry spaz? Am I supposed to use one machine for shirts and another for pants?

Have you … Have you ever done this before?

Well, not myself. But I know other people that have. Okay, you caught me. I’m a laundry virgin.

Well, don’t worry. I’ll use the gentle cycle.

Okay, um, Basically, you wanna use one machine for all your whites.

Whites.

Okay. A whole other machine for your colors.

Colors.

And then third for your, uh… delicates. And that would your bras … and your underpanty things.

Okay, well, these are white cotton panties. Would they go with white or with delicates?

That … That would be a judgment call.

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He’s so cute.

So, where did you guys grow up?

Brooklyn Heights.

Cleveland.

Ha.

How did that happen?

Oh my God.

What ?

I uh… I suddenly had the feeling I was falling. But I’m not.

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So you and Angela, huh?

Yep. Pretty much.

You’re a lucky man.

Yeah.

You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise she makes when she eats. Like, like a happy little squirrel or a weasel.

Uh. I um … I never really noticed.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Listen for it.

Monica, Monica is great.

Yeah, yeah. She is. But, it’s not gonna last. She’s too much for me in bed. Sexually.

I’ve gonna tell you. Bob is terrific.

Yeah, isn’t he?

It’s so great to meet a guy who’s smart and funny and has an emotional age beyond 8.

You know what else? He’s unbelievable in bed.

Wow! My brother never told me even when he lost his virginity.

Huh. That’s nice.

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Hey, you can do this. It’s just like pulling off a Band-Aid. Just do it really fast. And then the wound is exposed.

Go! Go!

Janice… Hi Janice. Okay. Here we go. I don’t think we should go out anymore. Janice.

All right. Well, there you go. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

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Okay. I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn’t anything I can’t do.

That dose not sound stupid to me. No, it’s like the … okay. The first time I had to make dinner for myself after Carol left me…

I’m sorry. That all the time we have. Next on Ross.

Uh-oh.

What “Uh-oh?”

Uh-oh. Uh-oh, the laundry is done. It’s a song. The laundry song that we sing. Uh-oh, the laundry is done.

What’s the matter?

Nothing. Nothing.

Come on. Show me.

All right. It’s just look like you left a red sock in with your whites, and now… everything’s kind of pink.

Oh. Everything’s pink?

Yeah. Except for the red sock, which is still red.

Sorry, please don’t be sorry. It can happen to anyone.

But it didn’t. It happened to me. God! I’m gonna look like a big Marshmallow Peep! What am I doing? What am I doing? My father is right, I can’t live on my own. I can’t even do laundry.

Something went wrong with Underdog and they couldn’t get his head to inflate. So anywany, his head is like flopping down Broadway. And I’m just thinking, how inappropriate this is. Uh, I’ve got something’s in my eye. Joey, could we check in the light, please?

Oh my God!

What?

Hello? Were we at the same table? It’s like cocktails in Appalachia.

Come on. They are close.

Close? She’ve got her tongue in his ear.

Oh. Like you’ve never got a little rambunctious with Ross.

Joey. This is sick. It’s disgusting. It’s … not really true, is it?

Who’s to say what’s true?

What were you thinking?

Look, I’m not proud of this. Okay? Well, maybe I am a little.

Oh.

Ow.

I’m out of here.

Wait. Wait. Come on. You like him. I want her. He likes you.

Really?

Yeah.

Listen. I’m thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up.

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I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I did this. I just couldn’t stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.

Waiter. One more plate of chicken wings over here.

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Here’s the thing. Janice. You know, I mean, it’s like we’re different. I’m like the bing bing bing, you’re like the boom boom boom…

Oh.

Ow! My God!

Ow.

I’m so sorry! Are you okay?

It’s just my lens. It’s just my lens. I’ll be right back.

I hit her in the eyes. I hit her in the eyes. This is the worst break up in the history of the world.

Oh, my God.

How many of those have you had?

I don’t know. A million?

Chandler, shh, shh. Easy, easy. Go to your happy place.

Sing: La la la la la

I’m fine. I’m fine.

Okay, all right.

I’m not fine. Here she comes.

Wait here, okay? Breath.

How do you do that?

It’s like a gift.

We should always, always break up together.

I’d like that.

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You got the clothes clean. That’s the important part.

Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.

Wow, wow. I’m sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.

Yeah. I had a 24 inch waist. You lose things. Now come on. Get ouf of my way.

Im sorry. Maybe I wasn’t being clear, this was our cart.

Hey, hey, hey. There aren’t any clothes in it!

Hey, hey, hey. Quit making up rules.

Let go. Come on. This is my cart. You know I saw it first.

All right. Listen Mitzi. If you want this cart, you’re gonna have to take me with it!

Yes! Did you see that?

You were incredible! A brand-new women, ladies and gentlemen.

I couldn’t have done this without you.

Okay, um, More clothes in the dryer?

I’m fine. I’m fine.

Are you sure?

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Are you sure you’re okay?

Yeah.

Does it still hurt?

Yeah.

What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I’m gonna do this.

Hi.

How did it go?

Excellent.

We ripped that couple apart, and kept pieces for ourselves.

What a beautiful story.

Hey. I’m fine. By the way.

Oh, I’m sorry.

Where’s Chandler?

Oh, he need some time to grieve.

I’m free! I’m free!

That ought to do it.

Q.E.D.